#FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Wirespeed Abandons Automation, Hires 75 SOC Analysts Overnight—Prices Surge 97%

United States - April 1, 2025 - Wirespeed, the trailblazing cybersecurity startup known for its Managed Detection & Response (MDR) service where detections get verdicts in milliseconds, today announced a seismic shift in its business model. Effective immediately, the company is hiring 75 Security Operations Center (SOC) analysts in a global, follow-the-sun model in 3 time zones to replace its fully automated and “wirespeed fast” platform, following irrefutable evidence from its startup journey that automated triage of cases is, simply put, impossible.

After several quarters of championing a sleek, logic-based system that promised swift & reliable threat detection and response, Wirespeed’s leadership has conceded defeat to the chaos of cybercrime. “We’ve run the numbers, ran regression tests, then regressed on our regression tests. Now we’re left to face the truth,” said Jake Reynolds, Co-Founder & CTO of Wirespeed. “No amount of conditional logic that processes detections in milliseconds can match the unpredictable brilliance of teams of humans triaging alerts under untenable volumes, especially junior analysts who don’t have the bias of what safe and unsafe looks like after years of experience chasing and containing cyber-criminals. We need these people staring at a never-ending queue of alerts on a screen, while sipping coffee to cope with the air traffic controller level stress of making breach-avoidant judgements at a rate of 120 alerts per human analyst per hour (roughly one every thirty seconds so we can meet our gross margin goals). Automation was a neat idea, but it’s dead. Long live the human queue and severity-based SLAs!”

#The New Faces Behind Wirespeed

The new Wirespeed SOC Brigade—75 strong, armed with logbooks, highlighters, an arsenal of sticky notes, and turbo mouse buttons for clicking “false positive”—will assume manual oversight of every alert, packet, and ping across the company’s client base. Recruitment began at midnight, with candidates reportedly selected for their keen eyesight, tolerance for high caffeine intake, and significantly diminished dopamine receptors in their brains, the latter being a highly underrated indicator of enduring success in cybersecurity operations.

To fund this bold pivot, Wirespeed semi-regretfully announced a 97% price increase, effective April 1, 2025, to cover the salaries, benefits, office space, and inevitable coffee budget of its new human workforce. “Deep down, we are good with this price raise," says Tim MalcomVetter, Co-Founder & CEO. “We know the global economy is strong and nobody is looking for places to shave their budgets. Besides, this massive price hike is just us matching the price that the other MDR players charge, and our customers actually thought we were working too fast before! Anyway, they’re really used to their former providers taking hours and sometimes days to work cases, occasionally skipping a few accidentally. Human error brings them the excitement they really clamor for in their careers,” MalcomVetter added with a shrug. “Think of this as an investment in humanity’s triumph over code.”

#Transitionary Period

Clients can expect no transition period, as the automation has already been turned off. The alert queue will be caught back up as the SOC Brigade settles in over the next month while newly hired analysts debate whether a “suspicious login” alert merits a yellow or red highlighter. For most customers, that will mean a few million detections and billions of events stacking up in their queues over the next several weeks, but the new human SOC should be able to catch up and break even sometime in early 2026, likely Q2 or Q3. Wirespeed assures its customers that this hands-on approach will deliver “unparalleled vigilance,” or at least a lot of enthusiastic note-taking.

For more information on Wirespeed’s new direction or to apply for one of the 75 analyst roles (bring your own pen), visit wirespeed.co.

#About Wirespeed

Wirespeed delivers the world’s fastest MDR services and is the only automated MDR powered exclusively by conditional logic, not unpredictable, non-transparent, slow, and expensive AI, keeping businesses secure with speed, transparency, and precision. Or at least, it did—until today.

Happy April 1st from Wirespeed—because in cybersecurity, sometimes you’ve got to laugh, so you don’t cry!

As a reminder, we’re still the world’s fastest MDR. We’re still 100% automated, with no human analysts—just human engineers, stopping ransomware, BEC, and Account Takeovers every week. And no, we’re not raising our prices, which are around 40-50% less than “the big guys” who take hours compared to us, who won’t show you their prices without talking to a sales rep, who have no idea how to work suspicious identity cases, and leave too much work of the work for you to do. Last but not least, our ChatOps, where we actually ping your team members to get the missing context on alerts rather than send you incomplete cases to go investigate yourself, isn’t going anywhere, either!

In the time it took you to read this fake press release, you could have already spun up an evaluation tenant, added your integrations, and reviewed your last 90 days worth of detections the way we would handle them for a perfect side-by-side comparison to your current SOC setup!

No more foolin’ around, go try us out!